white trash

questions

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 02:36:35 GMT

it's been awhile since i've seen the ambition in my eyes but im going to cultivate it the best i can. you've got to love yourself to survive in this life. its hard cos i have no sense of ego whatsover. . i have no desire to prove myself to the world, i value my anonymity too much. i do not wish to be in the spotlight .. i just want to be the background, content & unextraordinary, learning from dirt & pain of the everyday and growing within myself. am i supposed to give that up in order to grow ? (is is admirable risk or self-exploitation?) i don't know ..
what to do when you only want to fade into the crowd, recognized by only a few. if this life needs me to reveal myself, to teach what i know (however small that may be & worthless in my eyes), then i will do it. am i afriad to shine? am i being selfish. . holding on to the strength within me? fuck, i don't know. i've always known i was a fool, the only thing i have to contribute is my humility.

slow understanding(s)?

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 04:03:01 GMT

"ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
fifteen percent concentrated power of will
five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
& eighty percent fear"

goals:
1) to be a good friend
2) to be a good student
3) to be a good athlete

that's all :).

love's always left best unsearched for :).

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 03:57:04 GMT

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 03:52:38 GMT

anna, look at this hot thing. yes, he's a hot thing. nothing that beautiful can possibly be human.

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 04:28:10 GMT

love movements (11:24:58 PM): intriguing indeed *nerdy hand scratching chin* oh & *puts on thick rimmed black glasses* oh and can't forget the 'stache

my relationship with my bestfriend has devolved into something quite masculine.

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 21:41:45 GMT

instead of good conversations with great wine or conversations in general, we playfight and generally avoid each other during emotional spillage. it's working wonderfully

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 06:45:39 GMT

im feeling sweet, feeling london.
i love reinvention & self-discovery. always

luckiest girl in the world

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 21:44:40 GMT

everything that i want is right here. i keep learning and growing and regressing and maturing but i have a lot of hope for the future. i have a clear, distinct goal in life, i have direction and stability. i used to want to know everybody, to get acquainted with every delicate, intricate quirk and characteristic of each personality, something i've always been mesmerized by, but i have everything i ever needed right here, right next to me, in the form of my wing girls. i have to work harder in every possible way, heart+mind+body. i am already learning to reconcile contentment and desire, there is so much else unfinished. i am going to make this work for me, i am going to learn how to live no matter what the circumstances.

i am grateful for (things nearest&dearest to me):
1. my country & alabama :)
2. my heart (sometimes)
3. margo & zita
4. cute boys w/ southern accents
5. cute boys!
6. anna banana from venus, tx
7. flirting!
8. food
9. music & movement
10. youth

:) love ya

ps. i know like 50% of that list has to do with the south but that's cos it rocks. hollaa :)

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 06:24:36 GMT

i think we should all do the things that make us happy, if acting like a complete idiot and being assertive is part of that package, then whatever, i'll do it :). life's too short to take it seriously anyway. if the thing with mitch doesn't work out then at least i can be comfortable knowing i opened up the potential for a situation and/or relationship that would otherwise never have occurred :). i like creating, i really do. pssh, it's the 21st century, chilvary's been unofficially dead for decades - i'm not gonna be shy about my needs anymore :). everything else in my life's a mess but all i can think of is damn, what a waste of sex appeal. damn boy .. why you gotta be like that? yea im so ghetto it's unbelievable .. r e p r e s e n t ! :D

Fri, 26 May 2006 06:59:43 GMT

i love kate beckinsale! i think she is really really sexy

oh yah, she can soo kick angelina's butt ;p

Tue, 23 May 2006 05:47:08 GMT

i spilled bleach all over my lovely pink tote and now it has a big white bulge in the middle. grr. not to mention my whole room smells disinfectant-y. double grr

in other news,
im staying with my wing girl <3 this summer, i absolutely can not wait! i miss her and love her and can't wait until we get together and play the field again . we got each other's back and that's never going to change . i am so full of life and love (still!) that it's killing me not to live, to really live. i am bursting with stories to tell and jokes to share over screwdrivers and kahlua :). go ahead, take a punch at my stupid idealistic head :) august, i'm visiting my hot cheerleader friend becky cooper, who got into harvard class of 2010, baby!! boys, feel free to ask me to hook you up with her, hehe.

if i were to ask myself what i wanted and answered truthfully, i would reply, to live with margo and zita. i would shop every other day and eat at yummy casual restaurantes and drink delicious lattes. somehow i would fit work in. nights would be hanging out, long night drives, and a light dash of cigarettes and bubble tea. mornings would be filled with excitement for the day. days that would never lose their novelty, xo. i like boys who are fun, who enjoy life and enjoy living , that's all that matters. boys like that drive me wild. i would marry the next boy who gives me laugh lines before im 18. <3 dreamer all my life, (im never going to change am i), but i wouldn't have it any other way

ps. xmen 3 hitting the box office this fri - be there for be square ! ;P

Wed, 17 May 2006 08:02:36 GMT

anyone have a clue whats going on in their lives? cos i sure as hell dont. hmm. guess that's not a good thing

babbling

Sat, 06 May 2006 00:20:34 GMT

i grew! i grew! i feel so excited i'm talkin in a southernn accent. don't mess with texas baby cuz that's where this toddler spent a precious 2 yrs roamin 'round houston! love georgy, love republicans, love politicians! :)

ahem. anyway

i absolutely love feeling divinely gorgeous! i love working those yellow heels and bouncing around all happy-like, like a white, gorgeous daisy. those citylights seem closer and more tangible then ever. i can't wait to strut my hot ass down that silver catwalk, slapping my ass and blowin kisses to the crowd, just like it should be. sizzle sizzle ;)

update!

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 00:14:53 GMT

so for the past few months i've been vacillating between surrendering myself to yuppiehood FOREVER to relaxing and living up the 20s freeloading nyc, waitressing and sharing an apartment with financially challenged but big hearted loveable ppl = a lot of frustration, crying and laughing over the phone with margo posing the question: yuppiehood vs comfort? it's the american dream isn't it, working hard, working away your life so you can achieve success wrapped in a white designer sweater at some country club playing tennis/golf. . and yet i know i want the city, have wanted it for all these years, everytime i hear those dumb (damn?) urbanites exclaim "it's the greatest city in the world!" i can't imagine waiting 6 more years to come back to it, maybe even more. i miss its jazz, i miss broadway, times square, the chili+coffee shop in the corner of our apartment. all these possibilities making me drunk, all these little deaths inside of me. i want it all, yes, i want it all, happiness and comfort forever and that doesn't come without a sacrifice.

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 01:25:43 GMT

kiki's new movie elizabethtown comes out soon!!! everyone go see it !

why? cuz she's the best of hollywood. period

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 02:08:31 GMT

2 years of boredom in bio and chem confusion to realize .. it's physics that ignites my fireeee
pretty awesome, actually.
who knew?

my best friend likes chem, she's so weird
inconsistency593 (9:56:26 PM): and the other day i accidentally released poisonous gases into the classroom

haha ♥

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 20:13:32 GMT

happy birthday margo ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
i love you xoxoxoxoxoxo ! <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

xo i'm going to cry. i am so lucky , i really am.

back

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 00:09:46 GMT

bermuda was cute. hooked up with the hottest girls from nyc - brit, brianna, & chelsea - and cruised guys for a few days. mile high style but over water. ultra conservative cruise but we managed to skirt the system - 4 hot girls, it's a playground for red blooded college men everywhere, duh!. how? ivan. one smooth bartender who spiked our drinks "yea give us virgin strawberry daiquiris but add some rum .. a LOT of rum," haha. chacha'd, grinded, and slinked our way on the dance floor all morning long , rum swizzles, sunbathing, and poolside olympics during the day. our team (pina coladas) championed 'survivor island style' of course/ "we always win." anndd, i won taboo with the help of fonzi, aaayy. pina coladaass bring all the boys to the yard, what! ate my way through about four continents and damn happy about it, heh.
met this incredibly cute waiter with a striking resemblance to cillian murphy, anna. ! beautiful brown eyes framed by long lashes + those to die for pillow lips & high cheekbones. i would have taken a picture but i was too scared to approach him, he looked like a conceited wanker. pssh. ♥

america the beautiful

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 16:11:25 GMT

xo peter jennings , thank you for bringing america news . for over four decades, thank you ♥. we didn't share many things in common but for our love for america, this great country, this culture, these people. and perhaps an even greater enamoration with the idea of america - foolishness, what can you expect from silly people like us? i hope there is a fucking heaven, too. i could never get over deaths if there wasn't. < /3

< /3

ps. first david bloom, then tom brokaw, now peter jennings. these are then anchors i grew up with, the men who brought the whole nation news of iraq & the presidential elections & everything in between. (at least for the people who don't have cable haha ♥) . it feels like a renaissance/new generation.

portent?

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 23:59:02 GMT

today, a boy of no more than 7 or 8 walked in and ordered a classic chicken combo with more capability and decisiveness than i would expect from a 30 year old man. he solemnly punctuated each of the cashier's questions with a polite "no thank you" and "yes please thank you." although his requests and declinations were brief, they conveyed a wordly mien and blue-eyed sobriety, aplomb far beyond his years. i couldn't help but turn to his father who was standing patiently behind his tiny child and remark, "your son is very, very precocious. he's very polite and mature." he looked at me with a curious expression on his face, and replied after a few seconds, "you know, it's strange that you mention it. someone just told me the exact same thing today." the boy paid no attention to my compliment, and walked away to get a straw for his drink. i had an almost unsettling feeling in the bottom of my stomach that i have just witnessed ? a boy with the potential to be a legend . and throughout the day my thoughts kept flitting back to the man and his son with the most peculiar sense of awe, gratitude, and almost a little bit of fear.

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 23:36:14 GMT

i want to know what makes your family cute / what you appreciate about your family ♥ , nevermind the badshit, just the everyday little things. charlie bucket knew it, and so should we :

xo; i am secretly grateful that my parent(s) can't speak very good english especially when we watch an r-rated movie & they don't understand the lewd references that make me blush to my toes :D
xo; my mother buys sweets & pastries for me as her way of implictly apologizing for her behavior when she is being especially crazy
xo; my mother still makes me eat my vegetables :D
xo; i can be as dorky/spastic as my heart desires around my little bro, and the public just assumes i'm humoring him :D (THEY HAVE NO IDEA)

& i'm tagging
judgement
mortars
milkpetal
fireengines
calculations
jenparakeet
intercity
the_rad_hatter
meteorites
wind_chimes
egspoetryinc
arrivals
hurlyburlies
flora
paperback
losangelean
xaphrodisiacx
gypsyrose6007

(no obligations to answer, but promise me you'll think about it ♥)

"i've always thought of myself as larger than life, i've always known i was going to be a legend"

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 16:27:31 GMT

i've never doubted i could be famous if i really wanted to, the question is whether i want to spend the rest of my life pursuing that ever elusive ideal of stardom. it seems i've adopted a changeling nature, personas that are disconnected to one another at the surface .. adapting to ~~personalities~~, ambiences .. snakelike . (dangerous, almost) one day playing the confident, self-applauding only child & the next, a soft, self-deprecatory youngest.

.
.

one year can make a big difference, one year of chauvinistic ideals shoved rudely in your face & i've learned how to exude that dumb vulnerability that is so attractive to men. i enjoy it, i enjoy listening with big eyes and girlish delight at their every utterance, the exaggerated sense of wonder, my lilting voice+laugh and demure protests. the only thing holding me back is this mysterious sorrow, these silent, invisible attackers that i have to fight off at every turn. too many demons, babe. yes, the ego is there, and the drive, and the ambition .. but what's lacking is always the heart.

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 16:12:28 GMT

life's super busy these days. get up at 6, head over to track, come back, shower, throw on a ratty old tshirt & jeans, class, work, class. no free time from 6 - 10 pm, then 3-4 hours of some major studying until 2 am. 4 hours of sleep if i'm lucky , i've been having the most terrifying dreams. freud would make a bloodbath out of me.
i love work, i love sweating it out on minimum wage with the fellow dudes. i feel the most comfortable in my glamourous black xlarge uniform sexily wiping counters, taking orders, doing the dishes, cleaning bathrooms (that's hot). nothing like the cold formality of the classroom, the sterile walls & muted rivalries. the guys hold eating contests (i could beat them all) & make the yummiest concoctions during break, it's cute. i can't help but make baby faces whenever a customer comes in holding an infant or toddler, i love children so much it's embarassing, xo. (i hang out with my friends' younger siblings more than i hang out with them !! haha) i'm diggin' dance, my hips are so badass. my crazy instructor put me in "A" group, with girls who have danced for 15 years, & i have no experience except for the occasional trashy striptease. guess it paid off ? :) :) i'm bad, i know. we're only in the basics but i'm already feeling dizzy from all the steps & turns & leaps & such.
sunday jules & i saw miss saigon in the park, i cried like a baby when she gave up her child. < /3 < /3 < /3 heartbreak. we befriended the most delightful ederly ladies who were listening intently to our highly intellectual conversation about boys. mhmm, and i ate the most ginormous pretzel. becky & i both read middlesex. weird? mais non.

and i turn sixteen today. sexy

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 01:50:19 GMT

intense session of water balloon backyard football , volleyball, old school tag. did my victory dance around the lawn. calories burned: 1,000,000,000,000. this is what i love, this is what i want to do. spend my life searching for that perfect wave + sand inbetween my feet. whatever happened to that eight year old girl who wanted nothing more than to study polisci at princeton? still in there somewhere, got my ambition sneaking up disguised at various moments of my life, lying awake in the early morning hours with bubblegum pop on the stereo.

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 23:46:09 GMT

srhg (some really hot guy) walked in on me half naked in the dressing room at the gap, stared for a second, grinned broadly, and said 'sorry' without an ounce of penintence. what a brute. it was hot.